Monthly Archives

November 2016

6 Unfortunate Life Lessons Our Kids May Learn from Trump’s Historic Win (If We Aren’t Careful)

 

A peaceful protest may help with closure for your older child or teen who mourns the loss of his or her chosen candidate. Photo Credit/Maury Feinsilber

Attending a peaceful protest may help with closure for your older child or teen who mourns the loss of his or her chosen candidate. Photo Credit/Maury Feinsilber

Upending conventional wisdom and pretty much all of the polls, Donald Trump coasted to an electoral college defeat of Hillary Clinton this past Tuesday, even as he lost to her in the popular vote.  Wednesday morning, many of us parents were not only shocked and dismayed (and sleep deprived), but also were wondering how could we could explain to our children what had happened.  After all, these were the same children who had watched us rally around the first major party female nominee for president, and had believed us when we said that Donald Trump did not represent American values of fundamental fairness and justice.   How to make sense of the loss?  What messages had been relayed to our impressionable children and teenagers in the process?  And how could we counter them before they did lasting damage?  Given that I wrote a piece entitled “7 Life Lessons Our Kids Can Learn from Hillary Clinton’s Historic Nomination,” it seemed only fitting that I take a stab at the life lessons our kids may now take away from Trump’s mind boggling win, as well as how we might counter and replace those lessons with healthier, more appropriate ones.  Here goes:

1. Bullying Rocks!/Nice Guys Finish Last

The Message:

That our children and citizenry have heard this message loud and clear can be seen by the alarming uptick in hate crimes and incidents being reported across the country. Some of these incidents appear to be perpetuated by our youth.   If our new leader can bully and get away with it, other bullies are bound to be emboldened and motivated to follow suit.

The Counter-Message:

Explain to your children that our new president ran a campaign based on hateful rhetoric, and by appealing to adults’ fears of the unknown. Tell them that as unfortunate as it may be, we are now seeing hateful responses by those who are ignorant and misguided. Emphasize that bullies are wrong regardless of what our new president may have done and said, that bullying is cruel and is never appropriate, and that ultimately it is up to all of us to point out when people—our friends, our classmates—are being bullied for their differences. Encourage them not to use labels to describe anyone else and explain how hateful names and labels and slurs can be hurtful even without accompanying physical harm.   Avoid using labels yourself, even to describe Donald Trump (easier said than done, but it helps to be consistent).  Explain to them the meaning of hate symbols and why such symbols are so cruel and harmful to others.

2. Never Apologize for Anything

The Message:

Trump ran a testosterone laden, alpha male campaign where he managed to get away with all sorts of bad behavior by deflecting to his less than perfect female opponent and her spouse. He also used the strategy of the non-apology apology (protesting that someone else did something even worse in the past) when he was caught on a hot mic bragging that he can sexually assault women and get away with it. In the meantime, Trump also managed to appeal to the baser instinct in us that wants our team to win at all costs and believes perhaps that apologizing only shows weakness that can be exploited.  Since Trump won, our kids might see this as a signal that they should dig their heels in when accused of something that they did wrong, rather than come clean and apologize to the person they have wronged.

The Counter-Message:

Remind your kids that it is not a sign of weakness for one to apologize when he or she is wrong.   It is better to do the right thing than to win in the end.  Set a good example by doing this yourself on occasion when they are watching.  Emphasize that it is not just women that are expected to say they are sorry–men must be willing to apologize and make amends as well.

3. Hard Work and Preparation Don’t Pay Off

The Message:

Donald Trump is the logical extreme of the neo-GOP anti-intellectual view that only nerds engage in preparation, reading, and studying. He famously avoided preparing for his debates and the lack of preparation was glaring relative to Clinton, who won all three debates handily. Indeed, Clinton is the quintessential policy wonk, who knows her stuff inside and out. Well, we saw how that ended up for her in the rust belt of this country, and she lost among the uneducated, including uneducated white women who we might have expected would want to help another woman get elected to the highest office in the land. Kids paying attention—especially those who are old enough to listen to commentary and watch the debates—might come away from all of this thinking that hard work and dedication are not virtues in the end.

The Counter-Message:

We must get the message across to our kids that hard work and preparation is a good thing worthy of their time and effort. Even if Hillary Clinton didn’t win the presidency in the end, she has accomplished so much over her lifetime, which is no easy feat as a woman, and that has been the result of all of her hard work and effort. Tell your kids that even Donald Trump had to work hard to get into an Ivy League college and build his business empire. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

4. Experience Means Nothing

The Message:

Donald Trump ran as an outsider and that meant that he has zero experience in either the government or the military. This is virtually unprecedented and yet lo and behold he got the job he was seeking. Some kids might view this as a sign that jobs grow on trees and experience is irrelevant if one is brash and bold and arrogant—like our new president.

The Counter-Message:

Tell your kids that Donald Trump is quite the exception to a general rule that employers require pertinent job experience. If he or she wants to succeed in life and grow up to become, let’s say, a scientist, he or she will need to study and get a degree and then get an internship working in a lab to gain experience. He or she will have to pay some dues. Trump is not the norm, in other words. The American public gave him a job for which he isn’t prepared.   We will now see how that works out for us all.

5. It’s Bad to Be Different

The Message:

Trump campaigned on a highly divisive, racially charged platform where he mocked a disabled reporter, called Mexicans immigrants rapists and drug dealers, threatened to ban all Muslims from entering the United States, and singled out “my African American” at one of his rallies. His “build a wall” battle cry and threats of mass deportation reeked of xenophobic nationalism. Trump also surrounded himself with some pretty racist characters, such as Breitbart CEO Steve Bannon, who is his brand-new Chief Strategist. Mike Pence, Trump’s running mate and our new Vice President, is a man who believes that homosexuals choose to be gay and can benefit from cruel and discredited conversion therapy.   But guess what? He won the campaign despite all of this, so what child wouldn’t be thinking it is a bad thing to be anything other than a straight white Christian male.

The Counter-Message:

It is super important that we tell our kids that it is ok to be different and we need to be supportive of our friends and neighbors who are. Wear safety pins and explain to your child the symbolic nature of the gesture.   Encourage them to read books and watch movies that stress messages of acceptance and tolerance.

6. Women Are Not Worthy of Respect (Boys Will Be Boys)

The Message:

Our children have heard throughout the campaign Donald Trump say mean, vile things about women. He has said things about his own wives and daughters that show he views them primarily as objects or possessions. Older kids have likely seen or heard the infamous videotape where Donald Trump brags he can grab women by the pussy and move in on a married woman like a bitch. They may have heard reports of the more than 14 women who claim Trump had sexually assaulted them. They may have even listened to the Howard Stern shows where Trump rated women on a scale from 1 to 10 or heard that Trump called a former Miss Universe—the most beautiful woman in the world—“Miss Piggy.” All of this together showed a staggering degree of misogyny and disrespect for women—both those he knows and total strangers. Despite all of this, Trump is now our leader. What girl or boy wouldn’t be thinking that women in this country are second-class citizens and not worthy of respect?

The Counter-Message:

It is critically important that we treat women in our lives with respect. Set a good  example by refraining from making comments about other women’s appearance or even your own figure flaws. Avoid using the term “bitch” or similar words with negative connotations about women.   Do your best to raise your sons to respect girls’ and women’s personal space and explain to them that there are no blurred lines when it comes to sexual consent. Tell your daughter that she is valuable because of who she is and what she does and not because of her body or appearance. Make sure she understands that she is in charge of her body and it is her decision completely about whether she will allow another person to touch her. If your son does something wrong in this regard, do not dismiss it as “boys will be boys”—make sure there are consequences.